Loyalty
by Aurore Renata
Summary: Kiros watches Laguna at Raine’s grave and does some thinking. A bit angsty, please review! rating for safety Chapters 4 & 5 are up!
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: I do not own FF8 or any of its components. They are owned by Sony and Squaresoft. No copyright infringement is intended, I'm just doing this for my own enjoyment and hopefully the enjoyment of others, so please don't sue!

Title: Loyalty

Summary: Kiros watches Laguna at Raine's grave and does some thinking. A bit angsty, please review!

Warnings: Talk about yaoi would-be romance. Perhaps some spoilers…?

**Loyalty**

I watched Laguna quietly as he kneeled solemnly by Raine's grave. He did this every year on the anniversary of the day that he was brought to Winhill to recover from the injuries he'd received after our "great escape." Ward and I were with him as usual on this day. He says that after he has his "talk" with Raine he likes to have us there for reassurance, I suppose.

So I stood by, next to Ward and watched Laguna as he whispered a few words to Raine, tears running silently down his cheeks. He placed a single white rose on the headstone, again, as he did every other year.

I patiently watched as he spoke no more, only noiselessly wept for his lost love. This part always made Ward and me a bit uncomfortable, but we stayed, I had to stay with him.

I always will. I've known since we met that I would always stand by Laguna, no matter what. I'm not too sure why Ward stuck around… Maybe it's because even though Laguna is a bit clumsy, he's saved our skins more than once…

I'm getting off topic. Anyhow, now Laguna is the President of Esthar and here I am, still following him. I'd have still followed him even if it was he that had been brainwashed by the sorceress. I do because I must.

I couldn't tell you exactly how long Laguna and I have been friends, but it's been long enough where I can't imagine not being at his side.

I was brought out of the fog of thought by Laguna turning to us, now standing and wiping the tears off his face and asking if there was anything that either Ward or I would like to say to Raine.

Ward shook his head, but I nodded somberly and Laguna stepped aside as it was my turn to kneel before the headstone.

I felt my eyes begin to tear, as they had countless times. My slightly blurred vision scanned the stone…Raine Loire. That jealousy that I had come to know so well began to tear at me again.

"I'm sorry, Raine," I whispered simply, and that was all. I always said the same thing, because I've always felt terrible that despite Laguna and Raine's love for each other, part of me wishes that it didn't exist, so that Laguna would see me, the Kiros that he never really bothered to get to know.

I feel incredibly selfish, that's why I so frequently felt and still feel the need to apologize to Raine. I can't help how I feel, true. But still…

I stood up slowly, not looking Laguna in the eye, but only patted him and the back for comfort.

When I hazarded to look him in the face, I saw that his tears had begun anew as he looked once more at Raine's grave and he turned away, beginning to walk back to the car in between Ward and me.

Laguna's pain never seems to ease, not even over time as grief usually does. He must have really loved her, maybe still, and there is no place in his heart for m except as a friend, an assistant as I saw so perfectly that day.

I still follow him and will continue to do so. Though his heart seems to forever belong to another, I love him and I will do my best, whatever I can, for him.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I do not own FF8 or any of its components. They are owned by Sony and Squaresoft. No copyright infringement is intended, I'm just doing this for my own enjoyment and hopefully the enjoyment of others, so please don't sue!

Rating: T for yaoi references.

This is the second chapter in "Loyalty." Hopefully lightning will strike again! Anyhow, in this chapter, Kiros writes a letter to Laguna, and contemplates whether to actually give it to him.

**Loyalty: Chapter 2**

The door was mocking me. Laguna had gone through the door and not come out for almost an hour, which was typical on days when he visited Raine's grave. I restrained the urge to throw something across the room. My jealousy was slowly turning to a hot anger. I couldn't help it and I was running out of excuses for my behavior. I was sure that Ward already knew; I could see it in his expressions when we were hanging around Laguna.

I turned around in my chair to face Laguna's desk and looked at the pen that I had been absently fidgeting with, and a stack of papers on the desk. A letter hadn't occurred to me before, maybe it wasn't a bad idea. It was a way to let it all out and besides, it wasn't as if I _had_ to give it to Laguna right away… it wasn't as if I had to give it to him at all.

Before I could think about it, I had a blank sheet of paper in front of me and I was writing the opening to the letter.

"_Dear Laguna,"_

There were so many things I needed to say, I couldn't focus my mind on just one thought. One part of me wanted to plan it out completely, but still part of my mind nagged that it would be more sincere if I would just 'go with the flow' as Laguna would say.

"_I can't express how grateful I am, first of all. Ward and I both know you've saved our skins more than once and you've been a good friend on top of it. So, I've tried to support you in everything you do and keep my mouth shut about how I feel about certain things. Maybe I'm not as good a friend as I should be, and that is why I'm writing to you now…"_

I chewed on the pen a little, gazing at my first paragraph. It wasn't quite going as I expected, but believing that this was my only way, I continued on, telling myself that Laguna didn't even have to see it.

"_We went to visit Raine's grave today. I knelt in front of the headstone to say a few words as I do every time we visit her. I said today the same words that I always do to her. I told her that I'm sorry. I say that because, I've found myself many times wishing that you and Raine had never fallen in love, perhaps that you had never met. I become angered with jealousy every time you start talking about her. _

_Of course it's selfish, no doubt this will anger you, but you must understand. I've… felt this for you for a long time now. Remarkable. A moment ago, I had too many things I needed to say, and now my mind is nearly blank._

_I've tried to ignore it for your sake, but the feelings always seem to linger. I think perhaps I might even love you, and not just as a friend._

_Laguna, I know how much you loved Raine, and probably still do, but I don't know how much longer I can tolerate my silence._

_I can understand, or try to understand, if this makes you uncomfortable. I'd probably feel that way if I was in your position, but I will continue to be as I have always been. I will be your reliable companion and assistant, and support you however I can. I've gotten through pretending that these feelings didn't exist, and I can for awhile longer, but either way I'll be here for you no matter what. I love you._

_Sincerely,_

_Kiros"_

I put the pen down with some degree of satisfaction. I felt a bit better, though it wasn't the degree of relief _that_ I would have liked, but I knew that it would have to do.

I was about to fold up the letter and put it in my pocket, telling myself that I'd give it to Laguna later when I nearly jumped out of my chair after hearing someone saying my name.

"Hiya, Kiros!"

I willed my heart to slow as I nervously smiled. Of course, it was Laguna, trying to act as his normal happy-go-lucky self.

"What'cha doin?" He asked as he eyed the sheet of paper that I had been writing on.

My heart was beating faster than a bite bug's wings as my body seemed to grow heavy. I found myself gripping the arms of the chair that I was still sitting in, as if bracing for an impact. I found myself unable to say or do anything as Laguna gently picked up the paper.

"Dear Laguna," he mumbled as he began to read. "What is this…?"

A/N: I have finally written chapter 2! As always, reviews are appreciated, and I'll try to update soon if I get enough good reviews… hell, I'll probably do it anyway. Hope you guys enjoyed it!


	3. Chapter 3

Title: Loyalty, Chapter 3

Rating: T

Disclaimer: I own nothing. FF8 is owned by Sony and Squaresoft.

Summary: A continuation of "Loyalty." In this chapter, Laguna reads the letter that Kiros wrote, but never intended Laguna to see.

Warnings: some yaoi content, but if you've been following the story, you probably know that already.

**Loyalty: Chapter 3**

I could barely even bring myself to speak as Laguna's eyes began scanning the damned letter. I silently cursed myself for even writing it, or at least not waiting for a more private time.

"Laguna," I said quietly, trying not to sound too desperate and whispered, "don't." It was futile, of course, and it was too late.

I studied him in silence. At first, his eyes were squinted in concentration. I tried in vain to hide my dismay when his serious expression faltered, and I heard his breathing become more ragged.

My fingers were beginning to hurt from gripping the arms of the chair so hard, but I pushed it into the back of my mind. I sighed with defeat, and all I could think about was my perpetual bad timing. I bit my bottom lip, as if to keep any regrettable words from escaping as Laguna finally looked away from the paper.

I blinked to keep him from seeing my misty eyes, dreading what words would inevitably be said. I heard him mutter my name, but nothing else.

I told him I was sorry then, that's the only thing that I could think of to say. He still looked a little dumbfounded, obviously not certain how he was to respond to this.

He found my eyes as he clutched the letter, his own eyes asking for an explanation.

"You were never meant to see it," I blurted out without thinking.

"Then why did you write it?" Laguna asked, his attempt to appear calm failing miserably, as I could hear his voice wavering. He seemed at the very least confused, but oddly enough, hardly surprised.

"I had to say something, even if it was only on a piece of paper. I wasn't going to give it to you." I was finally able to look away from him, feeling the familiar stinging behind my eyes and of course trying with everything I had to hide it. I knew then that I could only hope that he wasn't too angry with me.

"You…don't seem surprised," I found myself saying.

I didn't know what to feel when I saw a small smile on his face.

"I'm not really," he confessed. He said that he wasn't aware until then the depths of my feelings.

I still didn't dare to look at him, but when I finally did, Laguna's eyes met mine. He was still smiling.

"Kiros," he said sweetly, "I'm flattered, but…"

I refrained from an annoyed snort. 'But.' That dreaded word. I didn't want to listen to the last part of that sentence, but I felt myself hanging on his every word, as I always had. I remember thinking about what kind of tension there would be between Laguna and I now that he had knew. That was exactly why I never intended him to know.

I tried to interrupt him, not wanting to hear the rest of the sentence. "I understand," I told him, "I know how you feel."

He looked contemplative for a moment. "Maybe. But you shouldn't stress yourself out like this, it's not good for ya," he said with a half-attempted smile, then a more firm expression came to his face to let me know he was serious, or so I supposed. "Look, can we talk about this later… after I've had some sleep?"

I nodded, somewhat comforted by Laguna's carefree attitude, though I didn't know how much of it was sincere, and went to gently take the now slightly crumpled piece of paper from his hand.

Laguna jerked his arm away, putting the letter out of my reach. "No," he said, "I'd like to keep it… if that's okay with you…"

I think I smiled then and probably turned a few shades of red. It was obvious that Laguna could tell that I was slightly embarrassed, but after a last nod from me, he made a quiet exit.

I was finally able to relax in the chair, at least physically, but emotionally was another story. I thought I knew how he felt about it, but when he wanted to keep the letter…? What would he want with it, except perhaps to jokingly taunt me once in awhile? I supposed that it would now be as it has always been. I am Laguna's friend, colleague, and supporter. There's no room for me to be anything else. Is there?

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A/N: I finally updated! I'm not sure how long it will be for the next chapter, as I am not quite sure what I plan to do with it. I might have the next chapter be in Laguna's POV or something… Anyways, reviews are appreciated, and if anyone has any suggestions, feel free!


	4. Chapter 4

Title: Loyalty, Chapter 4

Rating: T

Disclaimer: I own nothing. FF8 is owned by Sony and Squaresoft.

Summary: A continuation of "Loyalty." In this chapter, Laguna muses about Kiros' letter, not quite sure what to do about it. Centered on Laguna with interior monologues a la Squall (in italics.)

Warnings: yaoi content, but if you've been following the story, you probably know that already.

**Loyalty: Chapter 4**

Laguna looked out the window and opened it to breathe in the evening air.

_Raine, what should I do?_

He **had** had an attraction for Kiros for quite some time. He just never knew how strongly he or Kiros felt.

_I guess that shows how observant I am. I just kept pushing it into the back of my mind…and it's finally come back to bite me in the ass._

His thoughts returned to Raine. What would she think of this, the fact that he was attracted to Kiros, or that the feelings were obviously mutual? What about the fact that perhaps it was more than a physical attraction?

_Well, she's either gonna be really happy for us, or really pissed off at me. I just… never thought that I'd be able to move on. Of course I'll have a soft spot for her, always. I mean, we shared so much. But Kiros… I feel like he's become much more than a friend to me, at least in my mind._

_But what really bothers me, is that he never told me. We're best friends! He should know me enough to know that I'd never let even that get in the way of our friendship. Poor Kiros. He must think that I'm mad at him. But… I don't know what to do. Should I just let this slide and pretend like it never happened? He **was** kinda hinting at that. Then again, isn't this the kinda stuff you're supposed to talk about?_

He smiled as the warm spring breeze caressed his face. He knew that he needed to think things through before he did anything, but his thoughts were overpowering him, all of the thoughts seeming to blur together. After putting on his flannel pajamas and collapsing onto his bed, he tried to put them in order.

_I can't just let this slide. It's too important, for Kiros and me. I wonder what it would be like to be with him…_

He paused, holding his leg as it began to cramp. Of course the thought had crossed his mind before, but again, he always pushed it into the back of his mind until times like these, when he was forced to think about it.

_I always thought I was just lonely, but when he looks at me like that… like he did back there, I just wanna hold him. I just wanna… be with him._

_Oh, Hyne, I don't even know my own thoughts anymore! _

Laguna pulled a blanket over himself, resolving to talk to Kiros about it in the morning.

_I wish I could talk to Raine about this. Sometimes I just wish she was still here. Things would be less confusing that way…_

He shivered as he let the blessed sleep overtake him. He knew he wasn't the only one who was confused.


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Summary: Chapter 5 of "Loyalty."

Warnings: yaoi. Duh.

Rating: T

**Loyalty: Chapter 5**

Laguna stretched lazily as he entered the main area of his quarters in Esthar's Presidential Palace. As he expected, Kiros was waiting for him. He grinned as Kiros looked at him, obviously puzzled.

Kiros smirked as he looked over Laguna's casual attire. "You're not wearing _that_ to the meeting, are you?"

"Nope," Laguna said cheerfully as he took a seat next to his friend. "I put the meeting off till tomorrow. I got some important stuff I gotta take care of today."

Kiros seemed to forget the tension in the air as he eyed Laguna skeptically. "And that would be…?"

"Personal stuff…" Laguna began another sentence, and then paused when he realized that, for once, he was at a loss for words. He glanced over at Kiros, who looked, for lack of a better word, embarrassed.

_He's gonna apologize, isn't he? He always does that! It's not his fault; he can't help how he feels. Hyne! He looks…helpless. It's making me hurt just looking at him. It's like somebody decided to grab at my chest and rip it up from the inside out._

"You don't need to apologize," Laguna said before Kiros had a chance to speak. "There's nothin' to apologize for…I'm just not really sure what to say, so I'm just gonna say how I feel."

Kiros almost seemed to wince as he nodded an encouragement for Laguna to continue.

"I'm not mad, if that's what you think," he continued, his carefree attitude still outshining any anxiety he might have felt. "It just kinda bothers me that you never said anything about it, that's all." He looked over at Kiros again. If anything, that probably made Kiros feel worse.

_Oh, man, don't look at me like that! Why can't I just say what I feel? Do I even know how I feel?_

Laguna turned away from Kiros sharply, grabbing his leg and holding it tightly, as it had begun to cramp.

"Uh, Laguna?" He heard the other man speak after feeling a light touch on his shoulder. "Are you alright?"

"Yup," he said, trying to will the cramp away.

Kiros actually chuckled, despite the ever present tension in the air. "You were saying…?"

"It's just, after Raine died… when I felt these things around you; I always pushed 'em away. I didn't wanna betray her. I thought they would go away. Am I making any sense?"

Kiros nodded, obviously trying to appear indifferent.

"K… Well, since things aren't gonna be able to go back to the way they were…"

_Damn, when I actually need to talk, I can't think of the words… aaah! Stupid cramp._

He turned to face Kiros when he felt the other man's delicate touch again. "You're right," Kiros said, "But if you want to try…"

"Nah," Laguna interrupted, finding some relief from the leg cramp. "I think I should just go with my gut on this one."

"Uh… Laguna…?"

"I think of it this way," Laguna said, once again flashing a handsome smile, "Raine would either be really happy or really pissed off. She wasn't an angry person, so my gut's saying she'd be happy."

That brought out a smile on Kiros' face as well. So **that** was Laguna's version of logic. "About us, you mean?"

_Raine, I hope I'm doing the right thing._

Laguna said nothing to acknowledge Kiros' question, only silently moved a bit closer to him. The two were caught in silence for a moment, and Laguna decided that this moment didn't need any more words to clutter it up.

He couldn't quite suppress a slight shiver as he grazed his lips across those of his friend and felt the muscles in his leg relax. Kiros accepted the kiss gratefully, gliding his tongue between them as his eyes fluttered closed.

After a few moments, the phone ringing brought them back to the moment. Kiros smiled and licked his lips. "You should get to work anyway, huh?"

Laguna hesitantly got up and smoothed his Hawaiian-print shirt. "Yeah… I guess."

_I think… I am doing the right thing._

A/N- Yay for loading two chapters at once! Sorry the updates have been so few and far between, but the reviews have really helped me out. Thanks to everyone who reviewed. I'm not sure if I'll add any more to it, I might just leave it as it is… what do you all think?


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